Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Do not go gentle into that good night,

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.