Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.