Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
we’re dead?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.