Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
God, I love Scotland
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.