Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster