Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼