Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
This tweet has been deleted
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying