Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
You Might Also Like
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
kitchen magnet
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale