Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
The most precious boy
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Grandmother clock.
is this store having a stroke wtf
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words