Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
You Might Also Like
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
This halftime is the best thing to happen to Kendrick Lamar and the worst thing to happen to anyone who has to explain what’s going on right now to their parents. #SuperBowl
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.