Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*