Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Always

Grow up never but we old may grow we

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

much to think about

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed