Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.