Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.