my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”
But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up
“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
“Why don’t you want kids??” I love going to the bathroom by myself, that’s why
You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert