Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Ok, but like, how married are you?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists