got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
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Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.