got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Growing out my freckles.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”