got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.