Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
this is funnier than any friends episode
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.