Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Stick it to the man
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea