Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Had to try this trend 😊
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same