Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Bobby pin
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
