got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Had an epiphany today.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Storm Tropical Storm
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.