Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

Sending in my taxes

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

This might be the funniest tweet ever

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.