got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*