Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.