@ScottLinnen

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

@sixfootcandy

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

@Ygrene

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

@fro_vo

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

@EJGomez

one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”

@Spaziotwat

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

@KieranSoFar

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

@Almighty_Smoot

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool