Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.