Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…


My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.


Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.


[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL


I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*


one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”


[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”


[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this


Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool