Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

If looks could kill

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰