Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Simple enough.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops