Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My birthstone is kidney
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession