Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo