Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
You Might Also Like
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.