WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Will you be my boyfriend 🥺👉👈?”
Giant cheese wheel:
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”
Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?