@AllanForsyth

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

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@Tommytoughstuff

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

@Darlainky

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

@BlindChow

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

@LizHackett

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

@jesseddy

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

@LemmingDad

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

@Culprit7

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

@BigGucci_Idz

It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?