Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
No one can handle that
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Flowers bee like
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.