Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
My god she’s good.
Friends that check up on you >
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer