Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
happy valentine’s day to me
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.