Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
This line from Airplane.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
There are usually two types of merchants.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet