Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
I can fix him.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.