Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.