Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

this is uni

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

he’ll never suspect a thing

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab