Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.