Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
When I laugh on my period
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Sorted
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.