Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?