Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
You Might Also Like
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
