Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

This story is comedy gold 😂

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

My therapist after every session

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.