Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

[adds another nod to the conversation]