Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

How your email finds me

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.