Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on