Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

How does one answer this?

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”