Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

damn he’s good

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.