Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d love this…lol

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?