Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

“our sushi is very fresh”

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…