Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
You Might Also Like
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right