Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
You Might Also Like
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Goat cheese is for herders.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight