Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
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me hooking up with my ex
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Vodka burrito was a success
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.