Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
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3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
crochet youtube is brutal
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Pringles
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season