Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.