Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
That’s it.I’m out.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Sell your car
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.