Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
You Might Also Like
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.