Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

It’s on my to-do list.

hmmm

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination