Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.