Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.