Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
go easy on yourself <3
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land