Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Smile they said.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.