Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us