Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.