Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx