Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge