Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never