Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
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You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today