Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them